“I’ll be with you shortly,” said the young man at the auto repair shop. He was tall, young, and handsome, and I was sure he was just trying to be helpful. “Thanks,” I replied, “but there’s no need to be insulting!”
At 4’12”, I’ve always been sensitive about my height. Even as a child I was short… er…”staturely deficient.” The strange thing is that people who are tall or “staturely endowed,” always seem to think that perhaps I am not aware of it. “Gee, you’re short!” is often the first observation people share with me. Usually I manage to swallow my initial response (“Duh!”), and opt for the more polite, “Really? I never noticed.”
I once met a man who was exceptionally tall, probably close to 7 feet in height. We met in the cafeteria at the university I was attending and ended up standing in line next to each other. At one point, he looked down at me and said, “Oh, Hi! Gee, I’ve never seen you around here before.” Looking way up and hoping to avoid neck strain, I just smiled and replied dryly, “I wonder why?” I’m not even sure he heard me.
Tall people don’t realize what a difficult world this is for short people. Practically nothing is built with short people in mind. Deli counters at the grocery store, for example. I can ring the bell, wait a few minutes, and the person at the counter thinks that some kid is playing “ding dong ditch” with them. Usually I have to stand on my toes, jump up and down with my arms in the air and holler a bit to get their attention. “Hey! I’m down here.” I try to shop when the counters are likely to be less busy. Otherwise, unless I am feeling really assertive, I end up getting my turn after all of the tall people are finished.
Speaking of grocery stores – if I had a centimeter for every person I have had to ask for help reaching something on one of those high shelves, I would be the tallest woman in the world! Almost no shopping trip is complete without an “excuse me, but can you reach that box of macaroni and cheese for me?” The worst part is the half-suppressed snicker that comes with the help. I must admit, though, that I have yet to meet a tall person who didn’t take pity on me and help out.
Being short is dangerous, too! I think we need some “staturely challenged” zones. Personally, I would start with elevators. Short people should automatically get to stand in the front of the elevator. That way, when the elevator gets full, we can still breathe. More than once I’ve been stuck in a crowded elevator climbing 20 or more floors (though I really wanted to get off at the 5th floor). By the time the elevator doors open, I’m starting to black out, my vision starting to tunnel, knees weakening, and I emerge, gasping for air.
After elevators, I think I’d move to theaters. Theaters are the worst for short people. Shorty’s Law states that “Regardless of which seat you take in a theater, the tallest person will inevitably sit in front of you.” And it’s true! Even if I move to another seat, another tall person invariably sits in front of me – and he’ll be wearing a hat.
I don’t enjoy any arena event—sport or concert—where people are allowed to stand. I used to enjoy watching hockey. It was great! Suddenly, there was a shot on goal. The entire crowd stood up and I missed the whole thing. I wanted my money back. I didn’t pay my $20 to watch the backside of a crowd. Hmmm…special seating for short people? Yes!
There is almost nowhere that I can go that I am not reminded of my deficiency. If I go to a restaurant, my feet usually dangle from the chair and the table is too high. To compensate, I like to sit at the bar with my mate – that way his feet don’t touch the floor either.
Whenever I go to an amusement park, at least one person drags me to the height sign to make sure I’m allowed on the fast rides. Of course, fast roller coasters have an extra-white-knuckle appeal to me, since I almost always feel like I’m going to fly out of the seat!
If I stand up to talk, someone always says, “Stand up, Jennifer! (guffaw, guffaw)” I stopped answering that one about 10 years ago. I just smile and wave my arms high instead.
If I go to the gym, the weight machines aren’t built to adjust to someone of my diminutive height, so I’m limited to either the treadmill, stepper, or bicycle.
I thought I might get some revenge when I had children. Finally, I knew what it is like to always see the top of someone’s head. Of course, I had only a few years to enjoy it – my kids were taller than me by the time they were 10 years old. I do, however, have compassion for these miniature adults. I do a lot of bending, sitting, and squatting to make easy eye contact with children. After all, I know what it is like to have people look down at you all the time. In my household, we follow the “Peter Pan Rule” – Take care of anyone smaller than you. (Ref. Hook, with Robin Williams) I now only have to take of our pets.
Have you ever noticed that tall people don’t look down much? I suppose this indicates a sense of pride in themselves, but to a short person, it can be deadly. I’ll be walking along, minding my own business, when WHAM! some tall person walks right into me! “I’m sorry,” he’ll say, “I didn’t see you there.” It’s not like I was hiding or anything!
I remember once when I was standing with some of my family members, all of whom are tall. My father came over to us, stood right next to me and asked, quite seriously, “Has anyone seen Jennifer?” I reached out and tugged on his sleeve. In his defense I should say that at 4 feet 25 inches, he was more likely looking right at my 4 feet 26 inch tall brother as he headed over to ask.
Reminders of my inferior height are everywhere. I’m compiling a list of words and phrases that I think should be banned from the English language. Included on this list are: “getting the short end of the deal,” “draw the short stick,” “short-timer,” “shortcut,” “short-sighted,” “short sale,” “shorthand,” “be back shortly,” “short shift,” “short-changed,” “cut off at the knees,” “short circuit,” and my personal favorite, “you’ve got a short in the trunk.” Also to be banned are be the song “Short People,” the movie “Get Shorty,” and the book “Little Women.” Monopoly also has to go – unless they are willing to rename “Short Line Railroad.” I’m forming a plan to protest baseball, too. Equal opportunity, indeed! They’ll hire shortstops, but not tallstops!
I decided to bake the other day and ripped a few pages out of my cookbook – strawberry shortcake and shortbread. Then I threw away the rest of the book after reading the ingredients. Most of the recipes called for “shortening.” Oh, yeah, like I want some of that! I sure hope there’s a warning label on it. Now that I think of it, maybe I should see if my Mom used to feed me a lot of baked goods.
I do have to admit, though, that there aren’t very many jobs that a short person can’t do. As a corporate training professional, I often have to stand up in front of a group of people and speak. Sometimes someone asks where the voice is coming from. That’s why I carry that heavy pointer. Heh, heh. I will say that I think we need more affirmative action in basketball, though. There aren’t many short people playing, and I’m not at all sure that’s fair. I’m not sure if short people have ever noticed that “glass ceiling” people talk about all the time. Of course, if it does exist, we’d never reach it anyway!
While writing this, I checked the thesaurus on my word processor. Synonyms for short are “small, brief, curt, lacking, inferior.”
Sigh. Maybe I should just go back to bed.
Then again, maybe not. It’s probably been short-sheeted.