When my children were small and one of them hit the other with a stick, not once did it occur to me that “if only I had given the other child a stick, this would never have happened.”

I’m sure that would have worked. I could have armed both of my children, and they would never have hit each other with sticks. Maybe. Or, they might have beat each other senseless, maimed, or killed one another.

Let’s assume that would work as a deterrent. What kind of children would I have raised, then? I would have raised children who felt that it was necessary to carry a stick and be prepared to defend themselves against the inevitable attack from their brother, cousin, friend, stranger. I would have raised children who walked around with a heart full of distrust, ready to use those sticks when needed. I might even have raised children who could figure out that if the other child had a stick, then all they had to do was make sure they got a bigger stick, or even a slingshot with a big rock, and then they could win.

So, I suppose then that only the bad kids will carry sticks. That’s right. That’s why they’re the bad kids. Why should my kids become like the bad kids? Wouldn’t it be better to try to help the bad kids become good ones?

Committing violence of any kind takes a toll on a person. Being prepared to commit violence — even in self defense, has an impact, however small it may be. Yes, my children took self-defense classes, and walked with greater confidence. Those classes did not teach them how to take someone’s life.

What I did instead was to try my best to teach my children that life is precious, and that violence is not the answer. I taught them empathy, so that if they hit someone, they would understand the pain it caused. I taught them to communicate and talk to each other about their problems. I taught them problem-solving and compromise, and encouraged them to work things out. I showed them love, and did what I could to help them feel loved and to love each other.

Remember all those bad kids carrying sticks? What if we made more of an effort to figure out why they felt the need to carry sticks and hurt people with them? What if we helped them get what they needed? Not all kids carrying sticks are trying to get millions of dollars in lunch money. Some of them need lunch, because they missed breakfast and last night’s dinner. Some are looking for attention, because they aren’t getting the love and affection they need at home.

None of this means that I didn’t take the stick away and put the perpetrator on time out, too! But that’s not enough. If you don’t fix the initial problem, then the situation will repeat itself. I had to help my kids learn the tools they needed to choose a different interaction.

Arming the playground isn’t the answer. It only helps the kids build bigger walls and seek bigger sticks.